The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

THE GOOD: So, apparently everyone in my family is doing the horizontal mambo except for me...(thats not the good part) and they are doing it "unprotected". The latest to prove this statement true is my cute baby sister Sarah and her husband John. Last night at family dinner a cleverly illustrated cake (made by Sarah) joyfully announced they are going to have a baby. The cake said "We Reep what we sow" with a pregnant stick figure (their last name is Reep)!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!! They have been married 1.5 years and this is their very first. I'm very excited for them and know that they will be amazing parents. I will, again, be an amazing aunt.

THE BAD: The bad news is that this poor baby will be born mid-December and share birthdays with its mother, it's uncle Jeff , auntie Amy, and Jesus too. Poor kid.

Just to recap, my family is growing faster than the national debt. In the last 1.5 years, our family has:

- had 2 marriages (so a new brother-in-law & sister-in-law for me)
- adoption of Anthony (my step-nephew) through one of these marriages
- given birth to 2 babies (Phoenix & Kylie Sue)
- AND now we have 4 brand new babies due this year!!!!! FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! INSANE but I do love being an aunt.

THE UGLY: Now people, this is where I make this all about me. I'm the oldest here. There are only 5 of us and with 4 of my siblings (again, younger than me) being pregnant, that leaves only me being the single one...and the non-pregnant one. The one with the dying eggs. I never imagined I'd be in this situation. I can't think of anyone right now who can relate to my placement here but again people, I'm making this about me.

In all seriousness, I am deeply troubled by what this all means, mainly where my cute little family is concerned ..... because I'm being left behind. They are all moving on and progressing with their marriages and now all their babies...growing their own families, while my own personal family is still dinner for one. To top it off, in the last year I took a big step closer towards a family of my own and then a GIANT and painful step backwards...for hell's sake. It isn't for lack of trying but nothing makes you feel like more of a failure, more lost, more lonely than this kind of data right here...and its called MY LIFE!

Now, please don't tell me its not a race...I know this. Please don't tell me I should be happy for them, because I truly am. And PLEASE don't tell me it'll be my turn soon...as I've been telling myself this for YEARS! Try walking in my shoes...and tell me that this doesn't hurt just a bit. I know that a man, a marriage and a family doesn't define me. I know that those things are not the only way a person can be happy in life BUT it is what I so desire and want more than anything. And I don't want every family dinner, holiday, reunion, party, trip, shower and BBQ to remind me that I've failed thus far and that I just don't plain fit in with my own family anymore. I've tried, and I do try and I really just want to have a little pity party for a while before I do the Amy thing and pick myself back up and go on being so damn optimistic.